Friday, June 10, 2005

The Saga, Complete

As I've discussed before, I heartily believe that the Star Wars saga will play well in chronological, story order, that is if a new viewer, one who knows pretty much nothing about the films, were to see them in order, Episodes I-VI. To better demonstrate this point, I present here how, say, a typical ten-year old might react to the saga in this way.

"A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away." Cool.

I don't understand any of this weird scrolling stuff, but the music is cool.

These two guys are Jedis? OK.

The force? Is that some kind of superpower?

Wow! They blew up the Jedi's ship. Bet they'll be pissed.

Awesome! Laser swords!

Who's that creepy guy in the hood? Bad guy I bet. Yep, he's telling them to kill the Jedi.

Those Jedi are awesome fighters.

The bad guys are going to invade the planet? Not sure why, but OK.

Cool ships.

Who is this frog guy?

Cool underwater city.

Cool underwater creatures.

The bad guys are going to kill the Queen, I bet.

Awesome--the Jedi rescued the Queen. Now they'll go get help.

Cool space fight.

Uh-oh. Ship's busted.

Who's this chick going with them to find the part?

The flying turtle guy talks funny. Who's the kid?

How are they going to fix the ship?

It's that kid again. He's taking them home.

Who's the guy with horns? He looks bad.

They're slaves? That sucks.

What's podracing?

The kid may be a Jedi?

OK, so the Jedi is going to let the kid race to win him the part. Cool.

OK, the kid's definitely a Jedi. And awesome powerful it sounds like.

Those podraces are so fast!! Awesome race!

The kid won! And he's not a slave anymore. Why doesn't Qui-Gon just rescue his mother?

Why doesn't the kid take his robot?

Wow, that horned dude almost got them!

They better let the kid become a Jedi.

Why's that green dude talk all funny?

Cool, Naboo-senator guy is going to be in charge. He'll fix things.

They won't train the kid? What's their problem?

Cool, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are going to go back to fight the bad guys.

Will the frog-people help?

Cool! Cute chick is really the Queen!

Go frog-people!

That's a lot of robots.


Awesome, awesome, awesome laser sword fight!!

The kid is flying the spaceship, awesome!

Space battle, cool!

More awesome laser sword fight!

No way!! Horn-dude killed Qui-Gon!!!

The kid is going to blow that ship up I bet!

Oh crap! Is horn-dude going to kill Obi-Wan too?

Cool, all the robots are dead. That kid kicks ass.

Holy shit!!! He cut him in half!!! Awesome!!!!!!

Cool, Obi-Wan will train the kid.

Great movie!!

Still not sure what these words mean.

I bet that wasn't really the queen.


Anakin is all growed up!

Yoda looks a lot better now.

That senator guy likes Anakin; I bet he'll make him like boss Jedi or something.

Anakin has the hots for Padme.

That was the most awesome chase scene, ever.

Who is trying to kill the Queen?

Anakin will protect the Queen and Obi-Wan will try and figure out who killed her.

Dude, he totally likes her.

Obi-Wan is smart.

Cool water planet.

Why are they expecting him?

Clones? cool.

That is one wicked army.

He really likes her.

Wow, it's the guy from the beginning, with the jet pack. Fett. He's the one who tried to kill the Queen.

Awesome fight.

Anakin is worried about his mother.

Back to the desert planet.

That sound grenade is so cool.

His mother was taken?

I bet he saves his mother.

Who is this Dooku guy? I don't trust him.

Anakin's Mom doesn't look to good. He's pissed.

Awesome, the senator is in charge. He'll save the day.

Whoa, he killed the kids too?

These creatures are awesome. Wonder how they'll escape.

Awesome fight.

Crap, they're cornered.

Awesome!! It's black Jedi!!

Jedi war!!! Kick-ass!!

Crap, they're cornered again!!!

THE ARMY!!! The senator did it!!!!!

Awesome battle, man.

They have to get that Dooku guy!

Anakin should listen a little more.

Wow, he can shoot lightning from his hands!!!

Did he just cut Anakin's arm off?

What is the green frog going to do??

That green frog kicks SO MUCH ASS!!!

Crap, he got away.

It's hood dude.

Robot-clone war. Awesome.

Secret marriage. OK.


Anakin is an awesome flyer.

Crap, they kidnapped the senator!!!

R2-D2 kicks ass.

It's that Dooku again!

Awesome lightsaber fight.

Is he gonna kill him? Yes.

Why is that robot coughing?

Awesome escape scene.

Crash landing!!!

No one knows they're married still.


The war is still going on.

See, that senator is the only one who gets Anakin.

Obi-Wan and Anakin are splitting up again.

Anakin's having more dreams? Uh-oh.

Those hairy guys are cool.

That Sith story was creepy.

Anakin is really worried about Padme.

HOLY CRAP!!! The senator is the bad guy?!?!?!?!?!?!

Awesome fight with the coughing robot. Obi-Wan kicks ass.

Anakin told the black Jedi about the senator, all right!

Why won't the black Jedi take Anakin with him??

The senator totally just killed those Jedi.

What will Anakin do?

Kill him, black Jedi, kill him!!!

Anakin's going to kill the bad guy, right?



Why is Anakin listening to that guy? Obi-wan'll save him.

Order 66?

No way!!! The clone trooper just killed Obi-Wan!!!!

Oh my God. All of these Jedi are being killed.

What is Anakin doing? Dude, that's a little kid. Shit.

Not Yoda!!


Obi-Wan is alive!!

When is Obi-Wan going to save Anakin?

Anakin's going to go kill the robot army leaders?

Obi-Wan knows about the baby. He won't kill Anakin, he'll save him.

Anakin is SO pissed!

He tried to kill Padme!!! I can't believe it!

Oh, crap, they're going to fight!!


Come on, Obi-Wan, save him!!!!

Shit, Yoda is running away.


Oh man.

Anakin is on fire. My god.

Obi-Wan left him.

Sidious found him.

She's having the babies. Twins.

What is that armor stuff?

No one's going to save him.

That armor is cool.

They're splitting up the kids.

Yoda is going to hide.

What are they building?

Obi-Wan gave the boy to those guys from the last movie.

Did the bad guys just win?



It's Anakin. Oh, Vader.

He's just totally bad now.

It's the robots!

Who's the chick?

Back on the desert planet.

Luke? Hey, it's Anakin's kid! Must have been like 20 years since the last movie.

The robots have a message.

Lea? The daughter!


Obi-Wan must still be keeping an eye on Luke.

Hee. Luke whines like his Dad.

Robots escaped.

Sand people!

"Little friend. Hee."

Dude, Obi-Wan totally lied to him.

It's Anakin's lightsaber!

Why won't Luke go rescue his sister?

Whoa, clone troopers killed Beru and Owen.

They need a ship.

Obi-Wan just loves cutting arms off.

Hey! It's the hairy guy Yoda was friends with!

Man, the Jedi must have really been wiped out if Han thinks it's all some kind of joke.

Vader just totally blew up that planet!!!!

Whoa!! It's that thing they were building!!

They're caught.

Luke wants to rescue his sister. (He doesn't know she's his sister, though)

Han's selfish.


Garbage. Hee.

Saved by R2.

Obi-Wan did it!

Ew. Luke likes his sister.

Crap!! Obi-Wan and Vader are going to fight!

Guess they got old.

Why is he holding up his saber?

Why did he let himself be killed?

Luke can hear him!! Just like Qui-Gon, I bet.


Cool space fight. Luke is good.

Han is a chicken.

Vader is after Luke!!

Han saved the day!!!!!

Holy crap it worked!?!?!?! KABOOM!!!

Why doesn't Chewie get a medal??


Guess the rebels haven't won.

Ouch. Snowman got him.

Han's cool now.

Obi-Wan told Luke to find Yoda. Cool.


Eww. Luke just kissed his sister.

Cool battle--those walker things rule.


They all got away!!

The Millennium Falcon is a piece of junk.

Han likes Lea.

Yoda!! Dude, he got old.

He's totally messing with Luke.

Cool, he's going to train him.

Lando will help them.

Who shot Threepio?!?!

Luke is getting better.

Uh-oh. Luke thinks he sees the future--just like Anakin.

Lando totally betrayed them!!!

Vader has them.

Luke don't leave!

"There is another." Lea, I guess.

What are they doing to Han?

Lea loves him.

Cool. Frozen.

Luke, it's a trap!

All right Lando!!

Whoa. Vader is going to fight his son.

Luke is totally getting his ass kicked by his dad, and he doesn't even know it.

He just cut off his son's hand!!!!

"I am your father." Luke doesn't even believe it.

Cool--he jumped!!

Lea can hear him. Force.


Mechanical hands got better.


They're going to rescue Han.

Someone got Chewie!!

Oh, cool, it's a trap--it's Lea!!!

She unfroze Han!!!

Jabba got them!!!

Luke kicks ass now!!!

How's he going to get out of this one!?!?!

R2 kicks ass.

Han killed Boba!!

They did it!!

Another death star?!?!

It's Sidious.

All right, Luke went back to finish.

Yoda is dying?


Ben told him the truth.

Ben wants him to kill Vader. Harsh.

Blow up the shield generator, the fighters will then blow up the death star before it's finished. Got it.

Those bikes are cool.

Teddy bears.

Stupid Chewie.

Luke is going to Vader.

Those Ewoks fight good.

Luke and Vader fighting--AWESOME!!!

The Emperor is trying to get him to turn too. Bastard.

Uh-oh. Shield is still up.

Cool space battle.

Vader figured out about Lea!!

Luke is pissed.


The Emperor is laughing.

Yes! Luke won't do it! He's a Jedi! Awesome!!

He's killing him!!!!

They got the shield down!!!


Emperor is dead.

Cool, he's going to take off the helmet.

Anakin got old.

Get out Luke, get out!!

They did it!!


The rebels won!!! No more Empire!

Yoda, Ben, and, cool, Anakin when he was good.


Until Whenever

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